“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.