@jonnysun: "yer a magician, harry" hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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@ValeeGrrl: Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she's all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
@NicestHippo: It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
@ruinedpicnic: me: maybe those nazi salutes... we're just them reaching for the stars... McDonald's manager: this is the fastest I've ever fired someone
@jimelliott5000: Hey everyone, my mom's following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks