“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
🤣
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber