@nice_mustard: yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there's a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you'll wake him up
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@jenlaw_11: Oh you're a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That's what I thought.
@hammbone84: [Tornado siren blaring] Wife: Let's go to the basement. Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet. Wife: Me: I'll bring you a salad.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Are those Chinos? Me: No. These are my pants. Coworker... Me: Who steals pants?
@CarpentersCrack: I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.