@weinerdog4life: Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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@BatBatshitcrazy: My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I'm pretty sure the end days are near.
@solikebasically: One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
@MarieLoerzel: Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
@wickedsuga: If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.