@weinerdog4life: Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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@shkeeber: I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
@thepunningman: [two women sunbathing in garden] "It's so nice out here" "Where's that creepy guy who lives next door?" HEDGE "He's away for the weekend"
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
@FilmsWeWant: The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows. The system crashes on its own. The human race is saved by shitty programming.