Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
You Might Also Like
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.