DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.