[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“i miss shittin on people”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what