I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
School be like
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?