@nancy_yogapants: Yes, autocorrect, I live you too.
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@kelkulus: Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
@Mr_Kapowski: [ATM, with a line of people behind me] Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
@Audenary: ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?
@ShoutingGoddess: A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD.