Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
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doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I ate everything, including the H.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Finally! 😈
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!