Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Schrödinger’s cookie
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I think this should do it.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”