Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?