“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
there’s probably a fee though
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
dictator is short for richard potato
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait