Yes, but it was never about money
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”