Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Chicken bread
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Simple
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?