Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.