Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Don’t talk down to me
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
WHO DID THIS?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.