@AphroditeAfter5: Yes Grandma, I'm almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
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@FilthyRichmond: I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
@jazmasta: [speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran] "Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?" "No" "Didn't think so"
@jake_lach: Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'
@SCbchbum: Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.