REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Happy Thanksgiving
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
These aliens are taking forever.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka