Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
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*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Choose your fighter
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep