Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.