If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”