The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type