If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.