Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.