Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Called it
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
this has to be peak English
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: