Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.