Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Look at this
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
greetings!