I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Mouse
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
i hope my email finds you on fire
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship