Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
i- i did not expect this
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
A small tragedy.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
the answer was staring at me all along
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.