Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking