My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I occasionally drink every single night.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest