“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
How funny!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
181.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge