Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.