Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Not today. 😅
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck