Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”