Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
i want to work in this restaurant
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse