Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.