Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.