According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.