Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Gods work.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”