“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
An odd boast
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Put a ring on it
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.