“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd