@theresa_lauren: "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on
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@Reverend_Scott: Rum: "Drink me." Me: "No, I'll get a hangover." Rum: "Nah, you'll get funnier and better looking!" Me: "Really?" *drinks* Rum: "Sucker."
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@Chumpstring: [McDonald's] CUSTOMER: small coke please WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world CUSTOMER: oh WORKER: so do you want that CUSTOMER: yes WORKER: what else
@markhoppus: Kylo Ren is so tortured because he can’t decide if his final form is supposed to be goth or emo.