My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.