“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
This made me smile…
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder