Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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I hate my earbuds.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.