Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.