This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.