Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?