yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy