“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
You Might Also Like
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Cashiers are always checking me out
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
23. the denim jacket
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
A roof is a house hat.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Cause of death: Zumba
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.