Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
You Might Also Like
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.