@jbillinson: "Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe's pocket knife away and we'll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can't make him say sorry"
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@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@TheTweetOfGod: "Lord, can I have a pony?" Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
@hippieswordfish: *pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it* haha idiot *checks email* holy shit i won a million dollars??