Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.