Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.